Your Family Are Your Foes — Friendly Edition¶

It Sounds Harsh — But Jesus Actually Said It¶

When most people first hear "your family are your foes," the instinctive reaction is resistance. Surely parents deserve love? Doesn't family matter?

Let's begin with where this comes from.

These are the words of Jesus Christ, recorded in Matthew 10:36:

"A man's foes shall be they of his own household."

Xuefeng quotes and explains this teaching across many essays. He is clear that Jesus is not calling us to hate our parents or abandon our children. He is pointing to a deeper truth: in traditional family relationships, the people who appear in the name of love often unconsciously become the greatest obstacles to our freedom, our joy, and our path to heaven.

Flip the Question: Who Is a True Kin?¶

In Who Are Our True Kin (2009), Xuefeng offers a clear definition:

Whoever supports us, helps us, encourages us, and creates conditions for us to realize our aspirations — that person is our true kin. Whoever obstructs us, sets up obstacles, and prevents us from living in joy, happiness, and freedom — that person is our foe.

Sound familiar?

You want to pursue a dream far from home. Family says: "Be realistic. Stay."
You want to try a new way of living. Parents say: "Stop fooling around. Settle down."
You want to follow a spiritual path. A spouse says: "What's the point of that?"

These words come from love. But objectively, they constrain your freedom and block your growth.

In that sense, those who prevent you from reaching the Kingdom of Heaven are — spiritually speaking — your foes. Not because they are bad people, but because your directions in life have diverged.

"In the Name of Love" Is the Hardest Chain to See¶

In Family Affection, Why So Cruel (2013), Xuefeng writes:

Under the guise of care and concern, the closest people enact seizure, abduction, and control — stripping the other of independent personhood and freedom of thought. This happens routinely among fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives.

You may recognize this:

A parent says "I'm doing this for your own good" — and then decides your career, your marriage, your city.
A spouse says "We are one" — and monitors your phone, restricts your friendships.
An adult child says "Mom/Dad, you're too old for this" — and shuts down your aspirations for a new life.

Love becomes control. Affection becomes a cage. This violence, because it wears the mask of love, is the hardest to see — and the hardest to resist.

It's why Chiang Kai-shek — hardly a spiritual figure — once wrote: "Family is the greatest demonic obstacle in human life."

The Marital Bond: The Deepest Knot¶

Xuefeng describes marriage as the deepest pool in the sea of family suffering:

The sweet period of a marriage lasts perhaps three to five years. After that, it is essentially mutual torment — not physical but spiritual and psychological. The marital relationship is likely the devil's snare for humanity. Once caught in it, one falls into a boundless sea of suffering and never reaches the ideal shore. (Spouses Will Not Let Each Other Go Until Death, 2017)

This is not a call to divorce. It is an invitation to see clearly: when two people's life goals diverge, the marriage itself becomes mutual resistance.

How to Actually Live With This Understanding¶

Understanding "your family are your foes" does not mean: - ❌ Cutting off all family relationships immediately - ❌ Becoming unfilial toward parents - ❌ Abandoning children

In How to Relate to Worldly Kin (2023), Xuefeng is explicit:

Honor your parents — especially your mother. This is called "do one's human duty and let heaven's will unfold." But on major life decisions, maintain your own judgment. In attitude and tone, be gentle. But in your life stance, be firm.

Raise your children with care. You brought them into this world; you bear the responsibility until they are adults.

Treat your spouse as an equal — sincerely and faithfully — but do not claim them as private property.

This is the wisdom of inner independence with responsible presence — carrying out your duties while releasing emotional attachment.

Where Are Your True Kin?¶

Xuefeng says true kin are those who resonate with you and walk with you toward the light:

True kin are in the Lifechanyuan Second Home — where people follow the guidance of Jesus and the Buddha, uphold the 800 New Era Concepts, and live in true joy, freedom, and happiness. (Who Are Our True Kin, 2009)

When you find people who truly understand you, support you, and walk alongside you in pursuit of genuine joy and freedom — you have found true kin.

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